One Survivor’s Story
Jacob Tornga (pictured above) lost his brother, Kevin, to suicide in June 2006. In an attempt to better understand a survivor’s perspective, we asked Tornga to share his story with us.
One of the most disturbing things we heard was that Tornga and his family did not receive any services after their loss. Tornga adds, “Well, somebody may have offered us a phone number at some point, but if they did I don’t remember. Even if they did, we were in no state of mind to be calling places. It would have been better if there were people available to contact us to offer supportive services.”
Not only did Tornga fail to receive services, but he was completely unaware that there were organizations available to provide support for him and his family. “I wouldn’t have even known how or where to begin looking,” Tornga states. “It happened in a small town, so at the time I just assumed they didn’t have much to offer.” Without any services, we asked Tornga about the sorts of things that got him through this difficult time. “Friends and family. We are all extremely close and we really pulled together, and continue to support one another to this day.”
We know that there are countless myths about suicide, mostly due to a lack of knowledge about the topic. We asked Tornga to share some myths that he has heard and what his thoughts are on those. Tornga shares, “The myth I hear that bothers me the most is that suicide is simply a selfish act. When a person is so depressed that they commit an act like this, it’s not fair to make them out to be a bad person for it. It’s not like they are trying to hurt anyone or to be selfish.”
We ended our session by asking Tornga to offer some advice to other suicide survivors to help them cope with their loss. He offers, “Try to talk about it as much as you can instead of bottling it up inside. I feel like talking about it has helped me more than anything else. Surround yourself with a good support system—family, friends, or even co-workers. If you don’t have a good support system, try to seek out some of the services that do exist.” Why did this happen? Was it my fault? What do I do now? Where can I find help?
These are a few of the questions that survivors of suicide loss ask themselves each and every day. Some are lucky enough to find the answers to these questions and get the support they need to cope with their loss, while others may never get answers. According to Aguirre & Slater (2010), many survivors are hesitant to seek support because others’ attitudes against suicide leave the survivor feeling increased stress and isolation. Eventually, these types of feelings could lead to survivors completely closing themselves off from others. The important thing to know is that you don’t have to take this on alone because there are organizations that exist to provide help and support to suicide survivors, without passing judgment on their loved ones or putting blame on them.
What are suicide survivors?
A suicide survivor (AKA “suicide griever”) is someone who has lost a loved one to suicide (Salvatore, 2010). There are a variety of articles that exist on suicide survivors, but unfortunately there has been very little research on this topic. The little bit of research that does exist tends to be extremely outdated.
In 1999 and 2000, a study was conducted in Germany to assess the emotional reactions of suicide survivors. They compared the participants’ emotional responses based on gender, relationship to the deceased and the professional support received. They found that 89% of all suicide grievers reported having such strong and frequent emotions that it disturbed their everyday lives (Schneider et.al., 2011). This emphasizes just how important it is for survivors to get the attention and support they need.
This study also found that of the participants that reported having either insufficient or no professional support, 100% were of those who reported having emotions that interfered with their daily lives. While a significant number of those receiving sufficient professional support still reported a disturbance in daily life, there were drastic decreases in some of the specific emotions named (i.e. sorrow, guilt, lack of energy). Overall, the findings showed that receiving sufficient professional support can reduce the number of negative feelings for suicide survivors (Schneider et.al., 2011). This study suggests that continued research is needed to determine the most appropriate ways to help suicide survivors through this difficult grieving process.
According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (2011), they are currently seeking participants in Boston, New York City, Pittsburgh and San Diego for a study on bereavement after suicide. This study will look at the types of grief that exist amongst survivors of suicide loss and then how to overcome that grief. Hopefully this study, and others to follow, will finally provide the answers and needed support for a long-time overlooked population.
Aguirre, R. & Slater, H. (2010). Suicide postvention as suicide prevention: Improvement and expansion in the United States. Death Studies, 34, 529-540.
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. (2011). Study seeks participants in Boston, New York City, Pittsburg, San Diego. Retrieved October 11, 2011, from http://www.afsp.org/index.cfm?page_id=FF4606A6-B635-0BB9-E9252A28B5254243
Salvatore, Tony. (2010). Some myths of suicide loss. Retrieved October 2, 2011, from http://lifegard.tripod.com/myths.html
Schneider, B., Grebner, K., Schnabel, A. & Georgi, K. (2011). Is the emotional response of survivors dependent on the consequences of the suicide and the support received? The Journal of Crisis Intervention and Suicide Prevention, 32, 186-193.
